Tuesday, November 23, 2010 9:07 AM
It's been a while, a really long time. I guess I'm trying different things to help me vent. I realized there's no point in relying on friends anymore. I've been snaked so many times, and I can see them getting tired of me randomly crying, randomly venting, and randomly bringing his name up. I can't be the killjoy of the group, yet I can't pretend everything is simply okay and laugh, smile, and joke around with them like I used to. Because reality is, I'm hurting so much. More than I thought I was ever capable to hurt. I don't understand these feelings. This feeling of hurt... and I have yet to find an explanation as to why, why I love him so much when all he did was "mistreat me." I don't get so many things. There are so many unanswered questions. And part of the reason why I can't completely move on because it feels like I've hit rock bottom. I don't know where to start over again. Even though we fought, I had my shit straight and at the end of the day I was able to sleep knowing I was still his and he was still mine. We loved each other, or I loved him. The way we broke up has had me questioning his feelings about me, his intention, and his outlook on our relationship as a whole. When two people love each other, they're supossed to do whatever it takes to make it work... yet, it doesnt' feel like we've done everything. We've acknowledged the problem with us and just broke it off so easily. That's what it feels like. Yesterday I wanted this closure, but now it doesn't even feel like closure. It feels like unfinished business. How do you move on from something you don't think is finished? From something you don't think is over? It doesn't feel over. I still feel the same when we kiss. When we hug. It hurts more to be without him, than it does to be with him.. and I have yet to understand why. He hurt me in our relationship, he made me cry.... but now, same thing is happening so why does it hurt more? Possibly because at the end of the day, after all the tears and hurt, there's no one to call my boyfriend. There's no one to call my mine. And it hits me again, that constant realization that he is no longer mine. That we've actually gone more than a day without talking. My intention of breaking up with him wasn't for it to be over forever. It was for him to realize what he was taking forgranted. Because I do try. I do try to be the best girlfriend I could have ever been to him. I accepted what I had to accept about him. His work schedule, his school schedule, his attitude, his this.. his that... but it felt as if I had too. I had simply fallen too deeply in love to let him go over those small things. This STUPID attitude traces back to so much though, so much. It traces back to Tristan.... to my parents... to any of the relationships I've seen growing up. But, my parents had the biggest affect on me. All their fighting, arguing has showed me that I don't want that. And how better to avoid that than by "striving" to be the perfect girlfriend. I guess in a sense, I hated being alone. And from past experiences, I hate being left by the people I love and care about. That's been a repetitive thing in my past and I just wanted it to stop, so I was willing to do whatever it took to prevent that. And it ended up being my backfire. Cause now I'm sitting here, missing another day of school.... for a guy. For a guy that I love. For a guy that I care about. For a guy..... that speaks for itself. I just don't know what to do anymore. There's so much on my mind ... I can barely sleep, I can barely eat and when I do TRY (cause believe me, I do) I sleep and wake up to thoughts of him, or woken up by a dream of him... or any thought and I can't eat because when I try I end up wasting money.. I never finish it. I can't go out because it feels so wrong. It feels like I'm still attatched to him. I can't "do anything with any other guys" because it feels like cheating. I can't have a good time at parties because it feels wrong that he's not there and he doesn't know where I am. And on top of that, everywhere I go reminds me of him. EVERYWHERE. Where did I go on Friday? A street down from his house. Where did I stay? On the LAWRENCE STRIP. How about Saturday? One of my boys from Pope to pick up, and then a pope jam.. where I saw Raf's sister. Like I can't do it. I can't handle a break up right now. It's the last year, it's so important. I can't afford to screw up. I know I'm strong, but I don't understand why I feel like I can't do anything without him. I fucked up by putting him above a lot of my priorties or tieing them atleast. But how could I have not? My schedule was the most flexible. And I took the advice of Ms. Ragbeer when she said that mine is the most flexable and it's not bad to "wrap my life" around his because he can't do the same for me. In the end, it's what ended up fucking me over. And instead of being that strong relationship I'd hope to be.. we ended up crying in a car down the road where I can't let him go ..and I can't let him become my stepping stone nor can I let me become his. It's not fair. You can't just see the purpose in why you brokeup that QUICKLY. If you really still loved the person. Which is what I don't understand. Why would you want to achieve success without me if you loved me? Why would you want to let me go for a reason in the future? Not in the "now?" I did hurt with him. But look at me now. Totally disfunctional. I can't trust any of my decisions anymore. I'm a wreck. and I need to get back on track as soon as possible, because it's killing me. Being with him wasn't killing me. THIS right HERE is killing me slowly. I found myself reaching out to God, reading "purpose driven life" books, trying this blogspot thing again trying to numb the hurt. And piff? Parties? One night stands? Those obviously can't fuck up the attatchment that I still feel me and him had. It doesn't feel over. If it doesn't feel over, then why does it have to be???????????????????????????????/
♥